Calm Connection Parenting- Meltdowns, Challenging Behaviors, Parenting Struggles, Connected Parenting

24-- The Biggest Parenting Mistake When Handling Your Child's Emotional Intensity—And How to Avoid It

• Jami Kirkbride LPC, Parenting Coach, Specializing in Child Mental Health • Season 1 • Episode 24

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Do you ever feel like your child’s emotions are a ticking time bomb, and no matter what you do, you’re the one who sets it off? It’s so easy to fall into the trap of trying to ‘fix’ things, but sometimes, our best intentions make everything worse. In this episode, we explore the #1 mistake parents make when managing their child’s big emotions—and how to avoid it. I’ll share a powerful approach to help you navigate the emotional terrain with your child, build a stronger connection, and transform overwhelming moments into opportunities for growth. Grab a coffee, relax, and let’s dive in!

In this episode, you will learn:

  • Struggling with your child’s big emotions? You’re not alone!
  • Discover the #1 mistake parents make when managing emotional intensity.
  • Learn why "calm down" might be making things worse.
  • Find out how to connect with your child and address the real issue.
  • Get a simple tool (CALM) to help guide you through tough emotional moments.

Looking for support and parent coaching, connect with Jami!



*** This podcast and host will not offer medical advice, nor is it intended to take the place of counseling, medical intervention, or treatment. Jami Kirkbride is hereby operating as a parenting coach and will not diagnose or treat clients. Please consult a doctor, medical professional, or mental health provider to meet your immediate and ongoing needs.

#parenting #highlysensitivechild #adhd #dmdd #parentcoaching #child anxiety #sensoryprocessing #christianparenting #parentingtips #parentingchallenges #meltdowns #challengingbehaviors #childpersonality #personalitytypes

Episode 24

Jami Kirkbride: [00:00:00] Do you ever feel like your child's emotions are a ticking time bomb? And no matter what you do, you're always the one who sets it off. Trust me, you're not alone. It's so easy to fall into the trap of trying to fix things, but sometimes our best intentions can make things worse. In today's episode, I'm sharing the number one mistake parents make when dealing with their child's big emotions.

And how to avoid it. So grab a cup of coffee, relax a little, and let's dive into how we can help our kids feel heard, understood, and calm, even when everything feels like it's about to explode.

Welcome to Calm Connection Parenting. I'm your host, Jamie Kirkbride, mom of seven, parenting coach, professional counselor, and [00:01:00] wrangler of big emotions. If you are raising a highly sensitive child with intense emotions or challenging behaviors and wondering if you'll make it through without losing your mind, you are not alone around here.

We are all about real life. Parenting sprinkled with a little humor and a whole lot of patience. So grab your coffee. Trust me, you'll need it. And join me as we explore tips, stories, and faith-based strategies to help you bring more calm and confidence into your chaotic days. Let's do this. Welcome back, friends.

Today we're diving into a topic that every parent of an emotionally intense child can relate to. Yes, managing those big, overwhelming emotions, whether it's a meltdown at the store, an eruption at home, or maybe just the kind of emotional outbursts that leaves you completely drained. We all know how [00:02:00] challenging it can be, but here's the big question.

What's the biggest mistake parents make when handling these intense emotions? Well, I'm here to tell you it's not about your child's behavior. I. And it's not even about the emotions themselves. The mistake most of us make is becoming our child's trigger instead of helping our child or the situation. Yes, today we're gonna walk through this mistake, explain why it happens, and most importantly, show you how to avoid it with a simple, easy to remember tool called the CALM acronym.

By the end of this episode, you'll have actionable steps to help your child navigate their emotional intensity, and you'll also strengthen your connection with your child. So let's get started. [00:03:00] I'm gonna share this story called the concession Story. This was a monumental moment in my Mommying journey.

And while I wish it could be a glowing moment, it was kind of one of those times where I flopped around the time I was learning more about our child's wiring and needs this incident happened. It revealed so many things to me about my son, about myself, and how we might need to work together better as a team.

We went to a basketball game to watch one of our other children one night. Our son hated going to games, especially when he had to stay and watch any other games afterwards. But on this occasion, we'd urged him to come along. I brought some things for him to do and even packed a bag with snacks and drinks.

I thought this was a great attempt at understanding his needs, but I still [00:04:00] had so much to understand. As soon as we walked in the door, my son was asking to go to the concession stand. I knew he didn't wanna be there. His sensory system was on overload in this setting. It was late in the day, which was never his best time.

So my intention was to delay the concession tree until he had endured for a bit and would then feel rewarded and maybe motivated to finish strong. Sounds good. Right? Well, it wasn't good. I mean, he handled it reasonably well when I asked him to wait, but there's more. We decided that near the end of the third quarter, he would go and get a concession snack.

I'd also brought several snacks from home that I knew he would like, such as a small bag of peanuts and a drink as well. He came at halftime and asked if he could go get a concession snack, then [00:05:00] afraid that he would not endure the last half of the game. I encouraged him. Let's just wait. Let's wait.

You're almost there. Thankfully it was just with a little upset and I thought all was well while the end of the third corridor rolled around and I see him marching my way. This spelled trouble. He was quite upset and I knew by the look in his eye there was a problem. Honestly, I feared everyone in the stands might soon hear about it.

I waved him closer, hoping he wouldn't dare open his mouth in anger before he was close enough for just me to hear him, but it didn't happen that way. Well, it's your fault. He yelled and he sat down just a couple seats away. Now you've done [00:06:00] it. You always ruin everything mistakenly. I think I waved him a little bit closer and shushed him again, that that was not the right response.

He grew louder. No, I don't want to be near you. It's all your fault. The concession stands closed and I get nothing. I believe I mistakenly hushed him again in panic this time because I was feeling embarrassed that he was making a scene in this crowd of people. I quickly grabbed the bag of peanuts and the drink that I had brought here, here, just eat these.

You like these? He threw them down and looked at me with anger. I feared it might get ugly, so I quietly urged him again. Well, here if you're hungry, just eat these. You like them and, and the string. It, it's good. It's okay. Everything's okay. It wasn't [00:07:00] okay. He quickly yelled back through clenched teeth. I'm not even hungry, at which point I admit.

I kind of thought, well then what's the problem? Then as I glanced at him, I saw a tear escape down his cheek. In that moment, I realized my mistake. And that's when it really hit me. It wasn't about hunger. He hadn't wanted the peanuts or the drink. He'd wanted the concession snack as a reward for enduring.

I had delayed his chance to get it so long that now the concession stand was closed and the opportunity was gone. It wasn't just about food, it was about the emotional reward. Something he could look forward to, he'd worked for, and then [00:08:00] it was simply taken away. I felt my stomach drop a bit as I realized my mistake.

I had been so focused on fixing the problem in a way that felt logical to me that I missed the emotional need he was expressing. My decision to make him wait, caused him to miss out on what he'd been looking forward to, not because he was hungry, but because it was something he could look forward to choose and enjoy as a reward, and it all felt lost to him.

I couldn't problem solve this for hunger. It really wasn't going to help to sidetrack things with an attempt to correct or even discipline his behavior in order to save my reputation. So stopping and commenting on the disrespectful attitude, words or tone of voice that I knew those around me had [00:09:00] unfortunately heard wasn't going to work.

There was something far bigger here, and it would only get uglier. If I chose to overlook it, you're angry with me. I messed up and now it's my fault that you didn't get a concession snack. He looked sheepishly at me. I am really sorry. I understand you are really angry with me. Then I just paused. The silence did begin to melt the intensity.

I have to admit, even I started feeling just a little bit calmer. Next time we need a better plan. I don't want that to happen again Next time. I will let you go at halftime so you don't miss the chance. Yeah, that would be better. He was [00:10:00] still sad and a little upset at me, but the emotions had moved from.

I might explode mode to at least you get it mode. He let me put my arm around him for just a moment. I'm really sorry. My decision messed it up so much tonight. Will you remind me next time that halftime is a better plan? That would help me? He looked at me for a brief moment and he said, yeah, I will. And I'm gonna remind you that they might close early.

He muttered a bit, but the anger, the anger had melted away. Can I please have the peanuts? He asked. I smiled a little and handed him the peanuts and the drink, and surprisingly, he left calmly without melting down. Now I know [00:11:00] to many around us, it probably looked like a child angrily storming into the stands, demanding a concession snack, speaking disrespectfully to his mom and her quietly handing him food and a drink after he was defiant or rude.

But you know, it's not always what it seems. And to those of us who have an emotionally intense child. You just might see that there were actually some hidden wins. Yes, after my big mom mistakes and after my off course attempts, but this incident was actually the beginning of understanding how parenting tendencies can prove to be an even bigger trigger than the problem if we miss the mark.

This incident [00:12:00] made me realize how many times I forget to show him that I understand how often I problem solve what I think is the problem instead of what he feels is the problem. And I oftentimes settle on a solution that feels good to me, but might not even hit the mark for him. What about those hidden winds?

Well, you may have picked up on those already, but he didn't explode more in the crowd. He, well, actually, we calmed down. We heard each other as in H-E-A-R-D. We heard each other. We agreed to a better plan. Next time we communicated with each other. He was able to accept the only solution that night because the concession stand wasn't gonna [00:13:00] open, and he walked away after what he felt was a crushing blow to him being fixed with an apology and a lousy sack of peanuts from home.

But he accepted it and he moved on. For me, this incident was really a wake up call. It revealed to me how my parenting tendencies like rushing to fix things or worrying about how others might be judging us and not really listening to what my child was feeling could actually trigger his emotions even more.

It was the beginning of my journey toward understanding how to truly calm and connect with my son, and how slowing down and being more intentional with my responses could make all the difference. So [00:14:00] looking back on that night, I can see how easy it is for us as parents to fall into the trap of becoming our child's trigger.

Instead of being the calming force they need, we all wanna fix things quickly, especially when we're in the middle of a challenging situation in front of others, or we fear that it could get really bad, really loud, or really ugly fast. But the truth is rushing to solve what we think is the problem without truly understanding the emotions or the needs behind that only makes things worse.

In that moment, I have to embarrassingly admit I made three key mistakes that I'm sure many of you can relate to, especially if you're a parent of an emotionally intense child. And these mistakes are often the [00:15:00] reason why our children's behaviors escalate instead of calming down. So let me walk through them with you and what you can do to avoid.

Becoming their trigger Mistake number one, telling your child to calm down, stop it, or as I did, it's okay. Why is it a mistake? Well, as a parent, it's incredibly tempting to try to immediately stop the emotional intensity. When we see it escalating, it's uncomfortable. We may think that telling our child to calm down or it's okay will help them regain control.

But in reality, this often does the opposite. When a child is already emotionally overwhelmed telling them to calm down, it's like telling them to turn off a switch that's stuck in the on position. It invalidates their feelings and makes them feel like [00:16:00] their emotions are not acceptable or understandable.

So why does this escalate the situation? Well, imagine for a moment that you are feeling incredibly upset or stressed and someone tells you, oh, calm down, or Just stop. How would that make you feel? Most likely it would make you feel more frustrated, invalidated, and probably even angrier or more out of control, right?

Well, this is exactly what happens for our kids. They're already struggling to manage big emotions, and when we tell them to calm down, it often causes them to dig their heels in and escalate their behavior even more. They may become defensive, angry, or withdraw because they feel like they aren't being heard.

What's really happening beneath the surface? Well, at this moment, what our kids need most is to feel understood, not [00:17:00] dismissed. They're not acting out to make our lives difficult. They're overwhelmed, and they need our support to navigate those emotions. When we focus on telling them to stop their behavior, we miss the opportunity to walk supportively through those tough emotions with them and truly connect with them.

So telling your child to calm down or stop it may seem like an easy fix. But it often escalates the situation because it ignores their emotional experience. Rather than focusing on controlling their behavior, we need to focus on understanding the real emotion or the real issue. Well, that's mistake one.

When we return, I will share mistake two and three. But don't worry, I'm also going to share a calm approach to turn these common pitfalls into opportunities [00:18:00] for connection. Instead, parenting a uniquely wired child can feel isolating, right? While other parents are talking about typical tantrums. Bedtime battles, your navigating emotional meltdowns, sensory overload, or challenging behaviors that many people just don't understand.

It can be frustrating when the advice you hear just doesn't fit your child, and even harder when you feel like you're alone in the journey. But here's the truth. You don't have to settle for just surviving in the Calm Connection Parent Coaching Program. I'll help you understand your child's unique wiring and give you faith-based practical strategies to not only manage the emotions and challenging behaviors, but actually help your whole family thrive.

With video course workbooks, a supportive community and weekly coaching calls, you'll get personalized support every step of the way. If you are ready to [00:19:00] stop feeling alone and start finding real solutions that work for you, your child, and your family, then visit calm connection parent.com to learn more together.

Let's move you from surviving to thriving. Let's do this. Okay. Moving on to mistake number two, focusing only on the outward behavior. Why is it a mistake? Well, as parents, it's easy to react to what we see on the surface, A child yelling, a tantrum or a meltdown, we often focus on the outward behavior, thinking that if we can just stop the behavior, everything will be fine.

But here's the issue. By focusing only on the behavior, we're not addressing what's actually causing the behavior in the first place. Well, how does this escalate the situation? Well, when we only respond to the outward behavior and don't take the time to understand what's [00:20:00] triggering it, we miss the emotional need behind it.

For example, if a child is screaming because they didn't get what they wanted, focusing only on the fact that they're yelling might make us angry or frustrated. But if we pause and ask ourselves why they're screaming, are they feeling ignored, anxious, maybe even hurt? We open up the possibility for connection instead of escalation by responding to the behavior instead of the emotion behind it.

We risk making the child feel more misunderstood, and that only adds to their frustration. So what's really happening beneath the surface? Well, the child's behavior is often a signal that something deeper is going on. It could be frustration, exhaustion, sensory overload, unmet needs. When we only address the behavior, we might put a quick stop to it, but we don't solve the real problem.

This [00:21:00] leads to the same behavior happening again and again because the underlying emotions haven't even been addressed. By focusing only on the outward, we're not helping our child work through emotional struggles. Instead of reacting at the surface level, we need to take a step back, respond with curiosity, and ask ourselves what's really going on here.

When we address the real problem, we're more likely to help our child calm down and feel understood. Mistake number three is not teaching emotional vocabulary. This is huge. Why is it a mistake? Well, when children don't have the words to express their emotions, they often resort to acting out using behavior.

It's as if they're trapped inside a storm of feelings, but don't have the language to tell us what's going on. And without that [00:22:00] emotional vocabulary, kids struggle to articulate what they're feeling leading to frustration and escalated behaviors. The real mistake here is that many parents assume that their children understand and can express their emotions, but the truth is many kids simply don't have the words for their feelings.

Why does this escalate the situation well with help the tools to express their emotions? Children are left feeling misunderstood. It escalates. Turns into yelling, throwing things, aggression, or shutting down. When they can't name what's going on inside, they can't communicate about it so that it makes sense to others.

As parents, we can so easily misinterpret their frustration as defiance or bad behavior instead of recognizing it as emotional overwhelm. So what's happening [00:23:00] beneath the surface? While the child is not misbehaving on purpose, they're struggling to make sense of complex emotions. It's like trying to solve a problem without the right tools.

When we don't teach kids emotional vocabulary, we leave them without the ability to walk through these feelings effectively. Instead of responding with words like, I'm frustrated, or I'm disappointed, or I feel sad, they act out because they're unable to express what they're feeling on the inside.

Teaching that vocabulary is the foundation of helping children develop emotional intelligence so we can help children by teaching them to name their emotions, anger, frustration, sadness, excitement. Nervousness, pressure, overwhelmed. Using everyday situations to point out and label feelings helps them understand and [00:24:00] identify their own emotions more clearly.

When we don't teach that vocabulary, children aren't able to process and express their feelings. Teaching them the language of emotions, empowers them to understand themselves better, express what they're feeling, ask for what they need, and ultimately navigate their emotions in a healthy way. Well, the concession stand incident clearly and painfully highlighted these mistakes, but when we recognize these patterns in real life moments.

You as parents can start to shift your approach and create more calm, understanding interactions. This leads us to how we can avoid these mistakes and create calm, using the calm approach. A useful and easy to remember. Acronym C Connect first. [00:25:00] The first step in deescalating any emotional situation with your child is to connect with them emotionally.

Instead of rushing to solve the problem or telling them to calm down, take a moment, pause, understand where they're coming from, and show them that you're on their side, that you're a team. This connection helps to lower that emotional intensity. And shows them that they are seen, heard, and understood it.

How do you apply it? Well, when your child is upset, focus on showing empathy. Say something like, I can tell this is really bothering you. Let's talk about it. Connecting with them emotionally, even in the heat of the moment, gives you both the space to calm down and get on the same page. And it starts building that emotional [00:26:00] bridge between you.

A address, the real issue. Once you've made the connection, it's time to dig deeper and figure out what's really going on. Is your child tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or perhaps upset about something else? Entirely focusing only on the outward behavior won't solve the problem. We have to be curious and try to understand what's causing the emotional reaction so we can address the right issue.

How can you apply it? Well, when your child is upset, take a moment to ask yourself, what's really going on here? Is there a deeper need? Like comfort, reassurance, overwhelm, something else? Sometimes just addressing the underlying issue, whether it's sensory need or an unmet emotional need, can calm the storm faster than trying to [00:27:00] control behavior.

L learn emotions together. One way to remember that you have to name it to tame it. Teaching your child to recognize and name their emotions. Is a key part in building their emotional vocabulary. When children are able to identify what they feel, whether it's frustration, anger, sadness, or something else, they can start to regulate those feelings Without this emotional vocabulary, they're left to express their emotions through behavior, which can lead to miscommunication and frustration.

How do you apply it? Well start introducing emotional vocabulary in your everyday interactions. Label your own feelings when you're upset. I'm feeling frustrated right now because we're running late. Encourage your child to do the [00:28:00] same. You can say things like, I think you're feeling disappointed because the snack stand closed before we could get there.

Is that right? M is for model coping strategies. Our children learn from watching us. If we model healthy coping strategies, when we're dealing with our own emotions, our children are likely to adopt those same strategies. Taking deep breaths, walking away from a stressful situation, or maybe just talking about how we feel.

Shows our children how we manage our emotions, and they can too. So how do you apply it? Well, when you feel yourself getting upset or stressed, take a moment to pause and choose to model healthy coping strategies. Take deep breaths, walk away calmly, explain what you're feeling or what you need. This will [00:29:00] help your child learn to manage their big emotions.

Recap of calm approach. C Connect First A address the real issue. L. Learn emotions together. M Model coping strategies. By applying these calm tools, you'll be able to transform emotionally intense moments into opportunities for growth, connection, and deeper understanding. If this feels like an incredibly hard challenge, don't worry you aren't alone.

Check out the Calm Connection Parent Coaching Program where we talk about these very things and you can get some guidance and direction, and most importantly, some support. You can find more information and free resources@calmconnectionparent.com slash resource. For a limited [00:30:00] time, I'll tell you, I'm going to be taking some clients for one-on-one coaching, so get in touch if you feel like you could use some help or support.

But let's bring this all home. Remember how we started today's episode with the image of your child's emotions being a ticking time bomb. Well, instead of being the one who has to diffuse the bomb, every time you get to be the guide who shows them how to bypass the minefield all together and with the calm approach, that's exactly what you can do by connecting first, addressing the real emotion or issue, teaching them to recognize and name those feelings.

And modeling healthy coping strategies. You're not just responding to explosions. You are helping your child navigate the emotional [00:31:00] terrain. Before things get heated, you're teaching them how to take a break to breathe deeply, pause and find a safer, calmer path forward. Now, of course, none of this happens perfectly.

Or instantly. But every step you take to understand your child's emotional world is a parenting win. Instead of becoming a trigger, choose calm. Choose to build a stronger, more connected relationship that helps both of you get through the tough moments with more confidence and grace. So next time you're faced with a meltdown, remember you are the guide leading them around the minefield, not the one waiting to clean up the damage.

Your child is so blessed [00:32:00] to have you part of their life to help them become all they were created to be. You have been given a pretty special, but not so secret mission. You and your little comrade can and will become a great team together as you navigate the emotional battlefield and make it a positive connection.

I.

Thanks for hanging out with me today. Just remember, you've got this and on the days you don't, well, we're in this together. Take a deep breath and keep building those heart to heart connections. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend who might need it too. And don't forget to connect with us@parentingwithpersonality.com or in our Parenting with Personality Facebook support group.

We'd love to [00:33:00] continue supporting you there. Until next time, keep calm and parent on.

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